I Should Be....

I should be making a Menu so I can go shopping after lunch, but I'm not. I should be cleaning, but I'm not. Instead I'm sitting on my bed while my nearly four year old is tapping me with part of his toy train asking to watch veggie tales. Some days it is harder to get motivated than other days. Well, I should say to get motivated to do the things that should probably get done first. I am going to paint my bedroom, but I keep telling myself to do the dishes first. And that's the part I'm having a hard time motivating myself to do. On a better note, the baby is potty trained! He's been potty trained for about two weeks now. It was so easy to potty train him, that I am still in kind of a shock about it. Thank goodness though. I remember Emily being one of the more stubborn of the children to potty train. Ok, I won't lie, I know I am totally over protective of this last child of mine and I totally underestimate his capabilities, and that's why he's got us wrapped around his fingers. We are working on it, though. Last night he fell asleep in his own bed, instead of mine. He's always slept in his own bed until daddy started working nights and a tired momma would let the baby fall asleep with her. Now the baby has taken full advantage of it.

Here is another thing I would rather be doing.  Below is the flowers I've been growing up in my loft.  I decided it was time to put them in the breezeway to start acclimatizing them to the outdoors.  I've got most of them planted now, still have a tray left to find a place to plant, that's another thing I would rather be doing than cleaning!  Oh well, one day the house will always be clean and I will miss having the kids around.  So, I suppose it's not about having a pristine house, but about the kids. Well then, I think I'll go plant and paint instead of the dishes!

A Little Insight

The entire time Seth was in the hospital after he was born, there was always that nagging fear in the back of my mind that Seth was going to die. He had many ups and downs, but eventually he grew stronger and was doing great, but still I feared that something was going to happen. Seth came home from the hospital and continued to thrive. Months went by, but I still had this nagging fear in the back of my mind that he was going to die. As more time past and it was obvious that Seth was not going to die, my thoughts of something terrible happening turned to Todd dieing. This was about the time he had to leave us for nine weeks for training.

I had just gotten back from a trip the children and I had taken to visit my parents and to see Todd during his training, right before our move out east. I think I was listening to the radio when I heard something said about a person who was too scared to leave his home. I thought how weird that sounded to be too scared to leave your own home when a thought (maybe even a voice) came into my head saying, "just like how crazy it sounds to live in fear of someone dieing?". It was like a light went on in my head and the secret fear I'd been living with left me.

I can't control what the future may hold. I can only control how I will react. I appear strong, but I am scared inside, and I must remember that I can't be in control of everything. I feel empowered when I let go of fear and live in total faith. Funny how not knowing can bring you total peace.