The entire time Seth was in the hospital after he was born, there was always that nagging fear in the back of my mind that Seth was going to die. He had many ups and downs, but eventually he grew stronger and was doing great, but still I feared that something was going to happen. Seth came home from the hospital and continued to thrive. Months went by, but I still had this nagging fear in the back of my mind that he was going to die. As more time past and it was obvious that Seth was not going to die, my thoughts of something terrible happening turned to Todd dieing. This was about the time he had to leave us for nine weeks for training.
I had just gotten back from a trip the children and I had taken to visit my parents and to see Todd during his training, right before our move out east. I think I was listening to the radio when I heard something said about a person who was too scared to leave his home. I thought how weird that sounded to be too scared to leave your own home when a thought (maybe even a voice) came into my head saying, "just like how crazy it sounds to live in fear of someone dieing?". It was like a light went on in my head and the secret fear I'd been living with left me.
I can't control what the future may hold. I can only control how I will react. I appear strong, but I am scared inside, and I must remember that I can't be in control of everything. I feel empowered when I let go of fear and live in total faith. Funny how not knowing can bring you total peace.