You may have to grab a box of Kleenex

I'm having one of those nights when it's hard to fall asleep. You're lying there trying to unwind and fall asleep but your mind is going and one thing causes you to think about one thing and then that triggers another thought. So, I thought I needed to get up and write my thoughts. I was talking to my Aunt Helen and few weeks ago. We were talking about Seth and about the baby she lost many years ago. She asked if I had written down any of the events about Seth. I told her not really because I didn't want to "go there" yet. She encouraged me to write it down and talk about it because it would make it easier. I don't know if writing it down here or not is the best place. Still haven't decided if I should erase this and put it in a private journal. After all, aren't journals meant to be read? Eventually? I think it's anxiety that causes my indecisions. Or avoidance altogether. My wonderful sister-in-law, Mindy, kind of uses her blog as a journal and then she down loads it to this site (for the life of me I can't remember the name!) and has it all printed out, pictures and all. I thought that was really cool. I'd like to do that so maybe this is ok. Tonight I won't go into all the details, just some. The thoughts I'm having tonight, mainly. So I guess through out time there'll be bits and pieces of information and eventually it can be all put together. I love to write but find there's very little time with keeping up with myfamily and the home. Anyways, I've supressed the events leading up to and surrounding Seth's birth because they were so emotional, I don't know if that's the right word or not, but it's something I want to remember, but not relive. I suppose the thoughts haunt me at night because for some reason just tiny little things cause those memories to come back. At first I would try and think of other things or not think at all until sleep prevailed. After talking with Aunt Helen, I decided to allow myself to dwell on certain events when they crossed my mind. Relizing how much I still remember, I better write them down or eventually they will fade. I want to remember. Even looking at pictures still brings back lots of memories and I want to share. My stomach was hurting tonight. I don't know why, but it reminded me of cramps. I thought this was funny because I'll never experience that again. Then that brought on thoughts of labor pains and immediately I was taken to the night I had Seth. I'd been noticing that I was having mild contractions about eight o'clock or so Saturday evening. I tried to ignore it because they weren't regular and not coming close at all and were hardly noticeable. Still, before going to bed I told the nurse and she told me to start writing them down, and she was probably thinking it was nothing. I was tired but you know how it is when you've got something on your mind, you find it hard to sleep. Well, after only noticing about two more contractions and they were very far apart and hardly noticeable, I decided to go to sleep. I don't remember the exact time of all these events so it's mainly just a guess, but it's in the ballpark I'm sure. It was about one in the morning I woke up and was feeling crampy. I got up to go to the bathroom and noticed nothing unusual. I remember lying back down and having a contraction but it was pretty strong. Now I'm not talking full out, I'm gonna push this baby out strong, but it was definatley strong. I was kind of in shock feeling like, was that a contraction I just had? I lay there thinking, ok, I'm not sure if I am just imagining this or not, but I think that was a contraction. So I laid there thinking, maybe this is nothing. I'll just relax and go back to sleep. So I laid there. And how relaxed can you actually be. A few minutes later, another contraction, but it felt less intense than the other, so perhaps it really isn't anything. Then several minutes later I have another contraction, but this one is just as strong as the first. It is now that I realize that maybe I need to contact the nurse. I press the call button and tell here I having contractions and that they are pretty strong. She comes in and checks on me and asks me a few questions. She's getting the fetal monitor out to check the baby. As we are talking I have another strong contraction. It's the kind of contraction that makes you hum to yourself or whimper just to focus and cope with it. The nurse immediatley decides it's time to go to labor and delivery. She must know the look on a women's face when it's real contractions and not false. By now two other nurses have come in and are trying to manuever my bed out the door into a very narrow hallway and they realize that they should have put the sides up before trying to go out the door but eventually get the bed out the door without having to push me back in and start all over. It was kind of humorus at the time if you can believe that. The most amazing thing about this and a huge blessing sent from above is that those are the only contractions I had. I was taken to the labor and delivery wing of the hospital. I remember that there were two resident (I'm not sure if that's what you call them but they weren't full blown, practicing on your own doctors) female doctors on that night. The first doctor comes in and wants to see what's going on. Ok, I hope I'm not getting too graphic here, but we all know how they check to see how if you are dialated or not. It's funny because she was like, something's not right here, I can't find the cervix. I'm sure she was thinking this was no where near emergent as the flutter of activity around was making it out to be. So she goes and gets the other doctor and asks here to check. The second doctor is like, oh my, she's fully dialated and effaced. So the flutter of activity gets even more animated as everyone is preparing for an emergency c-section. That was the plan anyways. Even though this sounds so crazy and everyone was hurrying around to get things done, I was so calm. To quote the words, "I was calm as a summer's day" would accurately describe how I was feeling. I had zero anxiety and I was at peace with it all. Heavenly Father was really watching out for me. I was wheeled into the operating room and I'm not sure if they moved me to that skinny little table they have you lie on for c-sections or not or if I was on a different bed. The doctor is checking things out and tells me, "this baby is sitting really low, I think I'm gonna have you push him out." I was like, ok, I'm not having contractions, you just want me to push? And she says yes! I'm like, ok, never done that before. For some reason I was thinking that you needed contractions to push a baby out! So I push for about ten seconds and then I start pushing again and out comes sweet little Seth. I remember him looking like a little ball of baby. He wasn't all sprawled out with his legs and arms everywhere, just curled in a ball. I didn't get a real good look at him because he was immediately taken to the NICU. There was a window in the operating room that the babies are handed through right into the NICU. Ok, so, wow, I didn't think this would cause all these emotions in me right now, but it actually does feel good. Like a load is lifted from your chest. I actually have way more anxiety now writing this down than I did through the pregnancy, delivery, and recovery! But it's like you have to go through it again for it to be all OK. I think I'll end it there. I could probably write a book on this. And I probably will. So, if you are lucky enought to read this, and then see it disappear, you'll know why. I want to share this, but I'm not sure if it's too personal to or not. Anyways, I'm glad I finally wrote a little down. There is so much more, and I'm not scared to talk about it actually if someone asks. I remember not wanting to talk about it when I was in the hospital. But I can now. I'm so grateful for all I have! And another good thing about writing this down is that Todd can read it because he missed being there for Seth's birth.