Christina and Family: Anxiety and Depression

Thursday, March 19, 2015

Anxiety and Depression

For the past year I have been struggling with anxiety and then depression reared it's ugly head and decided to join the party. I went to a mental hospital last year to get help. I spent 10 days there and then 3 weeks in outpatient therapy. The whole time I was thinking, all this therapy is nice, but the medication I'm taking will take it all away so I don't need to worry. Boy was I totally wrong! Does anybody else think like me? Take a pill and all your symptoms will magically be gone! Like there's some happy pill out there. I was told after I left the outpatient clinic to get a therapist. Well, I really didn't need one, my medicine was going to do the trick and I'm not so bad off. So six months pass and I am still suffering with anxiety off and on. Each time it would flare up, I run to the doctor asking for help. She just tweeks my Meds. Finally, she suggests I go see a physciatrist. So I go to him thinking he will have a magic pill for me. He diagnoses me with Bipolar 2. Ok, whatever, give me your magic pills! You know what, I started taking the new medications and immediately felt good! (Placebo effect? How does a medication that's suppose to take a few weeks to kick in make you feel so good right away?). I felt great for six weeks! Best I had in a while. It was great! Then my friend commits suicide. Holy cow! What?! He was suffering worse than I with PTSD, anxiety, and depression. This sends me into a troublesome depression. Am I next? Is this what's eventually in store for me? Why go on living then? Why even try? So what do I do? Run back to the doctor. He just prescribes me more pills. I look at him and ask, what am I suppose to do? I'm so depressed, what do I do now? He tells me to get a therapist. My bishop had given me the name of an LDS therapist several months back, you know when I didn't need one? Haha. So I call this lady up and get an appointment two days later. This began my journey of recovery. During the month of December, I tried Wellbutrin twice and was put on lithium. What the heck?! Worst side effects ever! Where is that magic pill?! Reality check: there is no magic pill. Medications may or may not help to stabilize your moods to a certain extent, but they don't cure or take things away. No matter what, I've learned that I have to accept what I have and do all I can to get myself better. It is the hardest thing I have ever done. I have wanted to die so many times in the past three months. I have wanted to go back to the mental hospital. All these things because I am seeking peace and relief. But do you know where that peace comes from? Acceptance. I am struggling with this. Like I said, hardest thing ever. But today I am feeling ok. Tomorrow I may be a mess again and have to start the whole acceptance process over. I cannot fear it, I cannot wish it away. Will I ever have a day where I will just need to drug myself up to get through it? Sure. But things will get better. I'm past the point of wanting to die, at least for now. I feel stronger. Maybe I'll regress, who knows. Why haven't I taken my life yet? Because I can't stand the thought of the hurt I would cause my family. I can't stand the thought of thinking I sold my birthright for a mess of pottage. Plus I realize that I am a daughter of a Heavenly King. He loves me more than I can imagine! I am of great worth and have a great purpose on this earth. Does this always make me feel better? No, but it helps to bring hope. I think this whole process is compare able to the grieving process. There's denial, there's the sadness and despair, there's the anger, and finally when I get to it, acceptance. I will have to deal with anxiety and depression (heck, maybe I really am bipolar too! Add that to the list.) for the rest of my life. I am going to have to accept this somehow. It's no different than accepting that you may have cancer or another chronic perhaps life threatening disease. It doesn't make it go away by accepting it. It just brings peace, and you can deal with things better. So when anxiety knocks at my door, I welcome her in. She's a girl. We are best friends. She likes movies. Depression isn't my best friend yet. Still working on that relationship. She's the one who will probably send me back to the mental hospital. But wait, if I try harder to let her be my friend, I could avoid going back forever.

4 comments:

Greg said...: The biggest challenge of this life is knowing when to fight and when to accept.; March 19, 2015 at 4:08 PM
Christy Weenig said...: Hugs Christina! I hope it gets better. 😃; March 19, 2015 at 5:54 PM
Emily said...: Hugs, hugs, and more hugs!! We love you and are praying for you.; March 22, 2015 at 10:05 PM
Gamergirl said...: NEVER ever think your alone in this!! You have so many friends (me)!!!!!!! If you need someone to listen I'm here don't ever think I'm too busy to help a friend in need!!! Pick up the phone and call lets do a movie, lunch, or anything. Sometimes when you don't think you need to call someone that is the time to call!!! Heavenly Father works in mysterious ways!!!!!!; March 26, 2015 at 8:56 AM

Funny Mishaps

November 2011

During Primary, the song leader is trying to teach a song about the Nativity. She asks, who is Jesus's mother? Someone answers, "Mary". Then she asks, who is Jesus's father? Karsten (6) replies, "Joseph Smith".

September 2011

Karsten (6) asks me "how can you tell if a baby is a boy or a girl when they are born.?" I reply, "How do you think you can tell the difference between a boy and a girl." Karsten replies, "their hair." I then tell him that pretty much all babies either don't have hair or it's really short and to think of another way. Karsten then replies, "by their eyelashes." I tell Karsten everyone has eyelashes! Trying to get him to think harder, I ask him what's different around their bottom areas. Karsten says, "oh, their diapers!" (Just for the record, he finally knows how you can tell the difference between a boy baby and a girl baby!)

August 2011

Karsten (6) comes into the house yelling for a bandaid. I ask him what for. His response: "Blood leakin'."

April 2010

Karsten (5) informs me that when it's his turn on the computer he is going to go on YouTube and look up cheat codes. Where do they learn these things? :)

March 2010

As we are driving down the road, Dane (7) sees a sign that says "Beer and Wine". He then asks, "Why does that sign say Beer and Wine?" He goes on to answer himself by saying, "It must be because after they drink beer they w(h)ine."

March 2010

Karsten (4) tells me, "Mom, if you type in the password for the computer, I'll let you play with me." The next day he comes up with this one: "Mom, I'll give you this if you let me play the computer." I ask him, "What do you got?" Karsten replies, "An M&M." Apparently, my son has been trying to bribe me to let him to play the computer lately.

August 2009
Dane (7): Mom, I'm bored.
Me: Why don't you take a nap?
Dane: I'm too tired to take a nap.

May 2009
At Walmart I tell Alex (11) he can get some crystal light. So off he goes to find some and brings back every flavor they sell! Needless to say we did talk him into choosing just two. And later on that same trip I tell the boys they can have a Hot Wheel. Alex took down almost all the cars off the racks looking for a police car. Never let Alex shop alone!

May 2009
At Matt and Denise's house, I ask Karsten (4) if he wants a frozen burrito for lunch. He replies, "No, I want it cooked."

May 2009
As we are traveling down to New Mexico, I look in my rear view mirror and see Karsten (4) with his finger in his nose. I asked him if he was picking his nose and he said, "No, I'm just checking."

April 2009
I asked Karsten (4) to open up the washer and take the clothes out and put them in the dryer. (We have a front loader.) So he goes into the pantry, opens up the washer, grabs a few clothes, and asks, "Where do I put them?" I tell him, "In the dryer." He then asks, "This dryer?" As if there are two or three dryers in the pantry and he has to ask which one to use!

March 2009
Karsten (4) was spotlighted this past Sunday for his birthday and was sung to as well. His birthday is this upcoming Saturday (the 28th). Well, since they sung to him he insists that he is already four years old and no one is going to convince him otherwise.

March 2009
Karsten (3) is obsessed with light sabres. Everything is a light sabre. Only he calls them light savers. So, I tried teaching how to properly say light sabre. I was telling him to say sa-bre. And he was thinking I was telling him to SAY ber. So he would just say ber. Ok, if that really didn't confuse you, then you get the joke. It was quite funny.

February 2009
Emily (8) wakes up and tells me her stomach hurts and she doesn't want to go to school (like we've never tried this). I tell her that she needs to get up and get ready for school. She wines a little and complains about her stomach, but we moms know better. I tell her to get out of bed again and she then says, "Well, Kate got to stay home on Friday." (Kate faked sick the Friday previous.) I then tell Emily, "Yes, and she had to clean all day too." Emily jumps out of bed (miraculously healed somehow) and gets ready for school. Can't pass the "my stomach hurts" one on this old pro!

February 2009
We recently got a handicap parking pass for Alex so we can park in the handicap spots now. Every where we go Karsten (3) has to point out the handicap spots. The funny part about it is that each time he sees one it's like he's never seen one before. He sounds so amazed when he points them out.

February 2009
Karsten (3) has been sick with a cold and it has gone to his eyes. When he woke up this morning I told him that I was wondering if he had pink eye. He then goes into the bathroom, looks in the mirror, and says, "No, they're still blue."

December 2008
Karsten (3) is getting himself dressed and puts his shoes on without socks. I tell him to take his shoes off and put his socks on first. He looks up at me and says, "Mom, can we pretend that I am wearing socks?" Who can't keep from laughing with a response like that!

November 2008
Alex (10) is playing with the neighbor girl. She tells Alex that her dad caught a mouse and put it in a jar. They go over to her house and get the jar with the mouse in it. They bring it to our house. Alex wants to see if Moses could catch the mouse. So he gets Moses and then lets the mouse out of the jar. Moses chases the mouse into Alex's bedroom where it quickly disappears. Needless to say, the mouse was found later that night in Alex's dresser.

October 14, 2008
I am in the bathroom doing my hair. Seth (4 mos) is lying in his crib and Dane is happily watching him. All of a sudden Dane (5) runs into the bathroom and yells, "Mom! Seth said his first word!" I then ask him what Seth said. Dane replies, "Meow".

October 14, 2008
Todd and I are sitting on the couch when from behind I hear Karsten say, "Look, I have nipples!" I turn around to look and Karsten has placed an open hamburger bun on his chest. Now I've heard of a coconut bra, but a hamburger bun bra?

September 23, 2008
Todd and I are talking to Kate (9) and discussing human anatomy when we ask her if she knows where babies grew inside the mommy. At first she replies, "in the kidneys". Then she thinks about it for a minute and then says, "oh, the uterus, I thought that was the name of a planet."

September 2008
On the way to school, Kate (9) and Emily (7) are discussing what they are learning in school. Kate mentions that they are learning about the water cycle. Emily comments that she has already learned that. Kate has to flaunt her newly acquired knowledge by asking Emily if she knows what condensation, evaporation, and participation is? I couldn't help but laugh and asked her if she meant precipitation.